Have you ever wondered who you would be if you didn’t care what others thought of you? How would you dress or speak, what hobbies would you spend your time doing? If you are weren’t preoccupied with what others were eating, doing, or where they were going what would your life look like?
Like many of my peers in this digital age, I spend an absurd amount of time watching what other people are doing with their lives. Paired with that, I spend a lot of time wondering if others think I am good, smart, pretty, and successful enough.
It wasn’t really until I gave up all social media for 40 days last lent that I realized the full weight this way of living was taking on my life. We were at college when I began this challenge and the first thing I noticed was how quiet everything felt. There was an uncomfortable stillness and a nearly tangible emptiness in my mind. The second thing I noticed was how lonely I was, so used to this sense of orientation to where all my friends were, what they were doing, who they were with that I had grown accustomed to sensing that they were constantly around me. I felt incredibly lost without this comfortable illusion of togetherness.
I began to realize in so many ways, I had been centering my life around this constant awareness of others. Comparing the productiveness of my day, the quality of my hangouts with friends, determining my worth and value relative to the manufactured and meticulously edited standards of beauty and success saturating my Instagram feed.
In the silence of my notifications and timelines, I found myself facing who I was. When I would think to myself, “do I look pretty enough today?” I could only reply, “I have no idea, I only have my reflection to compare myself to.” I had to determine for myself if my day was productive enough because I couldn’t mentally track how much others must have gotten done. Mads, I tell ya my mood, motivation, and identity were so wrapped in comparison and competition, I found myself entirely dependent on others for how I felt about everything. I actually experienced a freaking load of anxiety feeling that if no one knows what I’m doing, how I look, or how I spend my time did it even happen. Looking back this is crazy to me!!
The longer I was forced to think for myself and check in to how I felt about myself, my use of time and activities, this sense of privacy I didn’t know I had lost began to grow. Going on a walk in nature without documenting the sunset made that moment mine. I felt the freedom to draw and write and dance alone in my room as much as I wanted without feeling I was wasting my time. Time with friends without the pressure of needing to send it out to be viewed and validated on screens made those memories far more precious.
Okay so I was feeling pretty good, I was starting to care less about putting things out there and honestly did not miss the daily scrolling. I got comfortable recognizing when I need to take a step back and check-in with myself but I still felt that so much of my life on social media was lingering in how I approached in-person conversations. The idea of “curating” in my appearance, activities, and even the people I chose to hang around was showing up in my physical life- not just through the screen. Have you ever felt like you can’t “log off” even when you set down your phone?
It takes some serious work to stay present to the conversation in front of you. Girl, I know it is so tempting to want to just scroll the sadness away, or drown yourself in TikToks to avoid the pain, loneliness, or rejection. In social situations, it feels almost mandatory to have someone to text back so you don’t have to make eye contact with a classmate before a lecture or the person across you on the bus. But oh my goodness, it is grounding, liberating, and dare I say- powerful?? To enter into those beautifully human feelings of discomfort and awkwardness. They are precious, they are real, they are sacred, they are living.
Dismantling the approval/acceptance/affirmation constructs I have internalized from a social media lifestyle is still something I am working on. I catch myself wondering “is my life still worth something even if no one sees it?” There is a richness to being so painstakingly present in your life. The colors of that sunset, the rawness of those feelings unnumbed by scrolling, or the crinkles around your best friend’s laughing eyes are ENDLESSLY more vibrant than any illusion or imitation of life social media tries to offer you.
Going into thanksgiving, winter break, or even just the weekend, I encourage you to take a break and just beeeee in your rare and special life and know that you are enough just as you are!
-h
some songs that may or may not have been playing in my head as I wrote this:
"I love me" Demi Lovato
"Conversations With My Wife" Jon Bellion
"The Lakes" Taylor Swift
Even a middle age mom can learn from your words today!