Hey everyone!
I’m currently writing this as I’m lounging in the Florida sun, watching kids run past with big smiles on their faces and happy parents watching their kids play. As I’m sitting here in Orlando, the place I’ve been time and time again, I feel a strangeness within myself on this vacation.
If you know me, you know my family loves to travel to Disney World. It’s a fact a lot of people know about us, and yes occasionally make fun of (with love of course… I hope) and I get it, some people don’t understand why we like to take seemingly the same trip every time. I was never able to explain it well. I know I’ve always loved the way my family never fails to make me laugh on the car ride down with countless bathroom breaks over the 20 hour journey as my grandparents age (for some reason bathroom humor really gets us), and I love experiencing very trivial moments that feel so big when you’re someplace else. Like, for example, that feeling when the rain comes down so intensely for a few minutes it’s comical, and it seems like you’ll be stuck under a tiny umbrella forever as your tennis shoes become waterlogged. Normally, you’d be upset, but the fact that you’re in Florida, one of your favorite places, makes it feel like a badge of pride rather than a nuisance. But the rain always passes, and for a moment everything calms down.
As I’m sitting beside this pool, it kind of feels like that rain coming down. On this trip, I’m 20 years old and my sister is 19. I’ll kindly leave out the ages of my parents and grandparents as I’m sure they’d hate me for it (haha). We started taking these trips when I was 3 years old and Emma was not even a year old yet. When I was younger, I loved riding all the rides and as a teenager, I solely valued the go-go-go mentality of our vacations. We’re theme park people, and we don’t like to waste a lot of precious time. However, this go-around, I’ve realized a lot of those moments of intense on-the-go aren’t necessarily what I value anymore.
Three years ago, if I knew that I would go on a trip and look forward to getting my morning cup of coffee from the hotel lobby and getting to relax by the side of the pool for a few hours, I’d have been horrified. This time around, sitting by the pool, I can feel a chapter of my childhood ending and this newer version of myself settling in. Before, I was clutching onto that tiny umbrella that represented the person I’ve always been, and every time I hear a: But Mad, that’s not like you! from the people that know me best, I feel like that waterlogged tennis shoe. I started the vacation kind of confused, because well, sometimes they were right! Certain reactions I had didn’t seem like me. Not in a bad way or anything, but in smaller moments that made me do a head scratch like: why doesn’t this feel the same way I expected it would? The way it always did before?
I’m trying to resist the urge to fit the mold of that little girl who needed the rush and excitement of a roller coaster and a loaded daily schedule to feel satisfaction, because it just really isn’t me at this point in time. For a minute, I thought: geesh, am I okay? because screaming at the top of my lungs and going upside down at 50mph didn’t seem like the pinnacle of fun it always used to. But, I think I may just be evolving. And I’m making peace with the fact that staying the same forever is really boring (wow, so philosophical, I know). As I’m laying down in the sun (nearly falling asleep and hoping this makes sense), I feel so calm and I’m trying to welcome that person who is changing. It’s a little like cognitive dissonance– I have this idea in my head of how I always am on this vacation, and yet it doesn’t match with the person that showed up for it. Right now, I don’t know if it’s the sun or the exhaustion, but I feel ready to welcome the change that comes with this. I don’t feel behind or ahead of schedule, I’m not worried about getting specific items crossed off a checklist. All I’m doing is simply existing and observing, and creating when it feels right.
I constantly feel responsible to fit a certain mold of who I think I am/who others believe me to be, or worrying about what kind of things I feel called to write versus what people expect me to write. I know I’ve talked about all these anxieties before, but it’s peaceful moments like this one that remind me it’s okay to just sit here and relax because though we’re all changing and evolving by the minute, we’re still ourselves—inner rollercoaster-loving child and all— at the core. It’s a relief to know that all we can do is embrace who we are in this moment and just...roll with it. It’s okay to watch ourselves evolve into someone new with new interests and hobbies, new likes and dislikes. I’m not saying it should take a palm tree and a spot beside the hotel pool to remember this and feel content in this way… but it certainly helps! Haha!
I hope you continue to embrace the version of yourself you’re constantly evolving into as well, because I have a feeling they’re very much worth getting to know :)
p.s. here's a picture of one of my absolute highlights of this trip... eating a churro! I was craving one all week and finally, on the last day, I got one. Agh, that's bliss.
lots of love,
Maddie
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