Hey Hope!
As everyone has been saying, this month marks the year anniversary of the Covid-19 pandemic being known worldwide and putting everything on pause. It’s hard putting myself in the headspace I was in one year ago, because when I first heard of it last March, I was convinced my teacher was bluffing about the severity of the virus. I thought there was no way they would send us home in the middle of the college semester. Oh, one-year-ago Maddie. Buckle up, girl. As I am writing this, one year ago today I was sent an email telling me to pack up my dorm room within two days and go home, which is what sticks out in my mind as the moment I truly learned how bad this virus was. So, I thought I’d use this space to reflect on what I’ve learned living through one year in a pandemic.
For seven of the last twelve months, I was at home with my family in isolation. I remember the only times I really went out were to go on runs, walks, and finally the grocery store in June, when we were able to buy single-use masks. I took this picture because I thought I looked so strange! If you notice, uh... yeah. The mask is inside out. It kind of makes me laugh looking back, but I guess how could I have known? I’d never worn one before!
For two months I figured out how to finish the spring semester on zoom and through asynchronous work at home, which was stressful, but the teachers were all so flexible and kind. They were just as confused and nervous as we were, and at the time I took mostly social work classes, which I feel there is almost no better field to be taking classes in when an overwhelming world circumstance is occurring. Even though social work isn’t for me, those teachers were absolutely phenomenal in a crisis.
Once the summer came, I had limited work hours at my part time job, so I spent most of the day at home, doing next to nothing. For five months, I had no school work to be doing, and barely a job to work. This overwhelming amount of free time really got me thinking, what do I like to do? I spent a lot of time reading, writing, running, and watching movies. That’s pretty much it.
***I recognize I’m very lucky to have even entertained this thought, because I had a safe space to stay in with people I love in a very challenging time in our global history. I realize that many people weren’t fortunate enough to worry about small things like this because there were such bigger issues at hand, and I’m very thankful that I was able to navigate this time with my family!***
But being honest, I really didn’t know what I liked to do in my free time. So a lot of the time, I was consumed by boredom and felt mostly scared for my parents and grandparents, hoping they wouldn’t get Covid. I found that it’s really hard to know who you are when the hamster wheel you’ve been running on finally comes to a halt. (I can’t take credit for that metaphor, my sister, Emma, came up with that one. Hey, Em.) Like so many people my age, I’ve grown up with my life revolving around the school system. Since I was six years old I’ve always had the plan laid out for me: go to school until I’m 18, then go to college, then get a job, and boom, you’re a “real adult.”
When everything has been put on pause and I didn’t have papers to write and assignments to complete, who am I? I realized the way I’ve always perceived myself comes from what my teachers or employers or whoever ranks above me thinks. Which made me ask myself:
Who am I when no one is watching and I have no one I’m trying to prove something to?
This was a tough pill to swallow. I had no idea! I’d never had so much time to myself to figure it out before. I had been so comfortable moving as fast as I could to tick things off the list and look at what was next, where I was supposed to be next, what I’m expected to do next, etc. and I realized I had no next move for a little while. For the time being, I was literally just trying to survive (even though that sounds dramatic) and that was enough. There was a bit of freedom in that.
Instead of sitting and moping because I had nothing “productive” to do, I really savored my little isolation time, which again, I’m very fortunate to have experienced. My favorite parts of the day were taking a shower and brewing a pot of coffee for my dad and me. I went to bed every single night literally looking forward to those two things that are normally so rushed and overlooked. And I actually found a lot of joy in slowing down and relishing those moments. For so long I ran myself ragged, basing my success as a person on the praises of other people, and I praised myself for getting a lot of things done very quickly or efficiently. I thought doing those things made me who I was, and I placed a great amount of my self-worth through how my work was perceived. (I’m not saying this is something I no longer struggle with, but I’m trying!) Don’t get me wrong, school and work are essential parts of life and can be very fulfilling, but the work you produce isn’t the only thing that makes you important. This year has taught me that I am not only valuable when I am moving.I had to remind myself that if I did something as simple as showering and making that coffee in the morning, the day was successful because I’d done something that brought me joy. Something I didn’t need anyone to acknowledge or validate in order for it to make me happy.
So if you’re like me, and you find yourself placing value on who you are as a person when people tell you you’ve done well, I encourage you to find your version of that morning brew of coffee. I hope you find the small moments in life that encourage you to be present and experience the current moment. At the end of the day, no amount of praise or acknowledgement from others will give your life value or meaning. Unfortunately, it took living one year in a pandemic for me to find that out. Your life always has meaning and purpose, but it is what you choose to do with it that makes you successful, not what other people choose for you or expect of you. If you make it through each day experiencing one thing you really love–however small– you are so much more than just successful.
You are so deserving of everything you want to achieve, and I hope you find what makes you truly happy even if no one is looking.
Lots of love,
Maddie
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