Heyyy HP!
This week I struggled to think of what to write because nothing too crazy happened, nothing eventful... hmm I don’t know… oh wait, I got my first tattoo!!
Sorry that was dumb, I had to do it. But GIRL. I can’t wait to tell you about my experience!
As you know from our phone call last week, I was preparing to get my first tattoo, and boy, was I nervous. I remember googling ankle tattoo pain levels while on the phone, and uh, yeah. I don’t recommend doing that the day before your appointment. Baddd idea.
I’ve always been someone who loves change. I love getting my ears pierced frequently, chopping off my hair when I get one Ways to Style Short Hair! video recommended on YouTube, changing up my wardrobe, changing the style of music I listen to, you name it. Because of this, I’ve often heard from my family and friends that I’m a pretty impulsive person. I always chalk this up to being a negative thing, but you know what? I’m kind of starting to love it about myself.
However, not that it matters, I would like the record to show that this tattoo wasn’t an impulsive decision. (At least, I don’t think so. My parents may disagree. Haha!) Even though I captioned my Facebook/Instagram post “sorry mom” with the little side eye emoji, let me clear the air and confess that, *sigh* that was only for comedic effect. My parents have known about this tattoo for months, I’ve been pretty vocal about it, and I’ve had this planned for quite a while now.
Last year, when I was a freshman in college, I knew I wanted to get a tattoo. I planned with my friend Meghan to maybe get one in the spring semester, but well, pandemic. All I knew was I wanted my first tattoo to symbolize something- using it as a reward for losing weight, going to the gym more, becoming better in some aspect. I had this mentality for a long time. Each time I thought about getting it, I told myself not just yet. Not good enough yet. And I’d be lying if I said that mentality is something I don’t struggle with anymore. But the more I reflected on it, the more I disliked this mindset.
By telling myself I would only get a tattoo if I worked out more, lost a bunch of weight, or looked differently, I was really telling myself: ‘When you’re good enough, when you’re better, THEN you can do this. Then you’ll be worthy of doing this.’
HP, that is not a good way to think of yourself, believe me. I know that this is kind of personal, but I feel like maybe a few people out there know exactly what I’m talking about. And if that’s the case, I want those people to know that as cheesy as it is, this is your sign. You’re ready now! You’re capable of doing that thing you’ve always wanted. You can go on that date. You’re ready to start that career. You’re good enough right now. It is so easy to treat yourself like you’re the 1.0 version, waiting in the wings to transform into the flawless version of yourself, the “glow up” version 2.0 everyone is so obsessed with becoming.
The moment I realized I was ready and good enough right now, it was this huge weight off my chest I’d been carrying unknowingly for years. Instead of treating myself like a before photo, I started to talk to myself like a friend would. Would a friend tell me I wasn’t good enough to get a tattoo? Hell no! Would a friend tell me I wasn’t ready to do something I’ve always wanted? Absolutely not. They’d encourage me to go for it! So why shouldn’t I encourage myself?
After getting over the *anxiety* about the pain (which, as it turned out, wasn’t even that bad!) that made me feel beforehand like I could upchuck outside of the building (TMI, sorry) you know what?
I felt POWERFUL. I felt liberated! I did it!
And even better, I got to experience my first tattoo with some of my closest friends. My friends Meghan, Jesina, and I all got tattoos on the same day, and my sister Emma came to keep me calm, which I greatly appreciated. She was my rock, and I love her even more for it. We were all hyping each other up, and I felt utter joy. I felt loved, supported, and confident. I felt very much myself. I felt good enough now.
*Jesina's moon tattoo on the left, my flower tattoo in the middle, Meghan's lotus tattoo on the right
When you think about those goals or that thing in the back of your mind you know you’re pushing off but secretly want so badly, say to hell with it! You can work towards them right now. Who knows, maybe that’s how you become your “2.0 glow-up self” anyway. It isn’t a linear destination to becoming the “best version of yourself,” it’s the up-and-down journey to becoming bold enough to say:
I know I’m good enough to work towards who I want to become right now, and I want to fight for that person.
P.S. Tattoo Meaning
In case you’re curious, I got these lilac shaped flowers as a way to honor the powerful women in my family: my mother, my grandmother, and my great-grandmother. My great grandma had a huge lilac bush in her front yard, my grandma’s childhood home. When my grandmother grew up and started a family of her own, she then took a piece of the bush and planted it in her yard. So, my mother also grew up with those lilacs in the yard of her childhood home. And because of this, they’re my mom’s favorite flower still today!
The lives of all three women were connected by those lilacs. I wanted to symbolize through the three strands how these women have been bonded together by something so beautiful physically growing alongside them. Those flowers were lucky enough to witness so much love and life from each of them as individuals, growing and ever changing throughout the years. These women who have helped shape me into the person I am today, the person I am able to become because of them. For them I will be forever grateful, these beautiful women who came before me.
P.P.S
The day this post goes up just happens to be one of those ladies' birthday today. Happy birthday, mom. I am so in awe of the compassionate and strong woman you've always been and continue to be every day. You amaze me. I love you.
:) mk
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