Okay, guys honesty hour here!
I thought today I would be sending you all the result of a post idea and I’ve been planning it for a while, Mads and I even rearranged some things so that it could land on today, November 9. That post isn’t finished and truthfully, it doesn’t even feel right anymore. My intention was to share a poem with Maddie and with you all titled “Lost in Transition” that I wrote exactly a year ago and figured it would be perfect to share it today, on its first birthday.
I hoped to write this super inspiring post about how we are always in transition and who we are isn’t locked in a box. We change and grow and the pieces of myself that feel lost have been replaced by something even better and I wanted to sit here and write to you that a year has past and I have learned how to keep an idea of who I am through all of the challenges and changes of this life. Uhhh, clearly that is not what you are reading right now... (maybe next November 9th!)
This anticipation then falling into personal disappointment is not something new to me. In any creative endeavor sometimes the inspiration stays just that, an idea or a feeling. When I was trying to finish up the post I felt like I was just forcing something to fit but it didn't feel real. What I wanted from that piece of writing just wasn't the truth. I had to face it that either I will be upset with what I publish or I will have to make a new plan for today. I really wanted to text Maddie and say, "you know what, I'm just not ready, can I skip this week!?" I tried to get to the root of this flight response and found myself faced with my good friend Fear.
As much as I love this blog and enjoy working on it, it terrifies me. It asks of me honesty, it requires me to dream, and it pushes me to actually be who I am.
It is not easy to build something meaningful. It’s not easy to be very real about where you are while also striving to be more. Maddie and I (well, mostly me!) don’t have any real idea of what we are doing. I have read countless articles, read far too many videos on how to build a following, design a website, master Wix, how to define a niche, etc. Of course, we do our best to plan and organize and promote and learn but when it comes down to it, we are just doing what we love and know to do. Talk to each other and write. Tell stories and try new things.
It is crazy to me how easy it is to get sucked into the pressures of success, watching numbers, relying on view counts, overthinking my post ideas. Worries about who will read this and how they will perceive it, what will they think of me? Our world today screams that if it doesn’t display a numerical value, it must not be worth much. I get scared that I should be embarrassed that we don't have thousands of views or likes, I worry that I am wasting my time here. On days like today, all I want to do is hide in the shadows and avoid this virtual presence that I love! All of this is difficult to navigate, keeping my eyes focused on my purpose and my goals here is crazy hard. I am so thankful to have Maddie right here with me to encourage and support me and remind me why we do this. (...and to be totally chill with my very late post)
Whatever is scary or hard in your life right now, you can do this. You are strong and capable of doing difficult things. When you continue to push through the dark spaces, I believe one day you will find yourself no longer a seed buried but a flower blooming in the bright of the sun.
truly, Hope
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