*our text conversation back in September*
H: “I have a crazy invitation for you”
M: “What is it?”
H: “No pressure to join me, but I’m like 98% sure I’m starting a dating fast on Monday.”
If you were like me, you likely don’t know what a dating fast really entails. A dating fast, or dating detox, is a way to take a step back from the relationships in your life and “clean up” your love life, just like you’d clean up your diet. I (Maddie) was a bit hesitant because...well... I haven’t dated anyone in a looong time, so I was wondering if this “dating detox” was something that could possibly benefit my life. Would it still work if I wasn’t really actively dating anyone or in a position to date someone?
Short answer: yes
No matter what stage of dating life you are currently in, whether that be a dramatic love triangle, having been single for months, dating on and off for years or maybe you’ve never dated anyone we think a dating detox has a little something in it that can benefit anyone who dares to try it. I (Hope) found out about the book Dating Detox: 40 Days of Perfecting Love in an Imperfect World by Kevin and Lisa Cotter from a friend and decided that it would be interesting to try. Each day for 40 days, we had a chapter to read about an aspect of love and relationships that prompted us to reflect and learn about healthy/unhealthy habits many young adults are dealing with today. After each chapter, the book offers up daily challenges based on that day’s reading to help us better ourselves and inspire change within our own lives.
Why I decided to do a dating fast
H- I felt called to do a dating fast because I felt that it would be beneficial to step back and take a look at the relationships in my life. Setting aside intentional time to reset how I view love and dating just seemed like both a really good challenge and a good way to grow in reliance on God.
Not Always Sunshine and Rainbows
M- Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t always agree with this book. There were a few chapters that made me angry because I felt it was a little black and white in what was described as “right and wrong,” and sometimes I felt this was distracting or unintentionally condescending. But overall, it made me focus on and evaluate my relationship with God, which has always been somewhat of an up-and-down relationship. Sometimes it’s great and really strong, and other times, I don’t put in nearly half the effort that I should and I lose touch with God more often than I’m proud to admit. But, this detox helped me begin praying more often and eventually even got me back to church, which I hadn’t gone to in months since the pandemic began. It meant a lot to me to feel like I was able to pray and talk to God about the topic of romantic love, which is something I’d never believed I was worthy of doing. While I didn’t always love this book, I have a lot of respect for this experience. The daily challenges of the detox helped me reevaluate my decisions emotionally and spiritually, and helped me to find my own voice and beliefs on love.
Our Favorite Parts!
M- What I loved the most about this challenge was getting to talk to Hope once a week about our thoughts on the book. I looked forward to setting aside about an hour a week to just relax and talk about the experiences we’d had, both challenge related, and just what was going on in our lives in general. As you may know, in college it can be hard to find time to talk to friends who go to other universities, so I appreciated that this book brought us closer together. It was so comforting to be held accountable by someone else who was going on the same emotional and spiritual journey as I was, and I think it made our relationship even stronger! And, we could relate to each other based on our love of sometimes overly dreamy expectations (I think that’s the English major showing in us!)
H- I totally agree with you Mads, our weekly calls were the highlights of my weeks. It was so heartwarming to witness how close we felt when we could count on intentional time to catch up. Having Maddie as an accountability partner was probably the best decision I could have made for this experience. I felt safe to share my heart with her, and many times she already knew what I was going to say. Learning about ourselves and each other was such a gift. A book-related favorite part for me would be the simplicity and straightforward nature of the writing of the book we followed. It did a really great job of putting language to thoughts, fears, hopes, and habits that are common, but too often go unnamed. Having the words to identify how I have been feeling made things less scary and made me feel understood and a lot less crazy! Probably my most favorite part was on day 16 we were asked to choose a patron saint to ask them to pray for us on this journey, now to be clear, Maddie and I read each day on our own and don’t text about it every day. On my own I googled, “patron saints of heartbreak” as a joke, and immediately St. Anthony of Padua popped up. He is known more commonly as the patron saint of lost or impossible causes (the same as my confirmation saint, Rita of Cascia!) I thought wow this is perfect. That evening, I was curious who Maddie chose so I sent her a text, to which she responded something like, “this seems a little weird but I chose St. Anthony of Padua.” Naturally, I freaked out because how cool is that?!
What I Learned about Myself:
M- I was a little nervous to try this detox because it was unlike any “challenge” I’d ever done before. I’ve never really dated anyone seriously, so I didn’t think I could “clean up” a love life that (unfortunately) wasn’t really in existence. But, I found that I needed to pay attention to some of the unhealthy habits and beliefs I’d internalized unknowingly for years about love and dating. I realized my love of romanticism, while still going strong today, is not always helpful for my mindset and my actions towards love. If I can go one day without creating a fictitious relationship with a person I see for half a second on the sidewalk, I call it a win. I always chalked this up to dreaming of what could happen because the possibilities of romantic situations are endless! But this sometimes causes me to get my hopes up and can cause me more harm than good. This book helped me to start actively finding ways to stay present at the moment and appreciate the real things that are happening in my life.
Why go on a dating fast?
H- The first reading at Mass on the final day of our fast was from Ephesians 4:1-6. Paul says, “Brothers and sisters: I, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to live in a manner worthy of the call you have received.” The homily focused on that little phrase, “prisoner of the Lord,” and the idea that we are able to live more freely when we eliminate options and distractions from our lives. This dating fast has served as a sort of “cell” for my heart these past 40 days. At first, it sounds restrictive, confining, and bare, but I came to find the confines were what held me upright when I was weak. The bareness forced me to look at what is going on inside my mind, allowed space for sorting through and re-ordering thoughts, habits, and beliefs. Sitting this 40-day sentence in this dating fast cell forced me to face myself, my loneliness, my wounds, and was ultimately an invitation for healing. Was it uncomfortable and cold? Many times a day. Did I discover a richness to life and friendship that had gotten clouded over by various heartaches? Absolutely.
-Maddie & Hope
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