Hey everyone,
For this post, I wanted to give you a little update about where I’m currently at. Though it may not come as a big surprise, I changed my major… again. Instead of double majoring in family services and English, I made the decision to major solely in English, with a minor in family studies and creative writing (also possibly a minor in film but that’s up in the air so let’s not put too many eggs in that basket yet). I don’t know why this feels like somewhat of a “confession” post. It’s odd that it feels that way, because it really shouldn’t. I mean, honestly, I don’t think it probably comes as such a surprise to the people who know me in person.
I’ve been hesitating to be honest about the path I want to choose for myself and the dreams/ goals I have, though I don’t really know why. Maybe it stems from the fear of failure, or the fear that people won’t take me very seriously. Which is funny, because I think so many of us are constantly performing the versions of ourselves we want other people to see. The ones who make practical decisions and have concrete plans and tenacity for days. And let me tell you, to the people that comes naturally to: sometimes I really envy that assurance you have. I know many people in my life who are very confident in their path, understand their passions, and know every step they want to take to achieve their goals. I admire the hell out of it.
Unfortunately, I don’t think that will ever be me. Before you think this is about to take a turn into some sappy self-pity post, don’t worry. That’s not where I’m going with this.
After changing my major to English, I’ve had to challenge my automatic response for the dreaded question: What do you want to do with that? What do you want to be?
I no longer have my family services double major to hide behind, which essentially is what I guess I was doing. I do have an interest in mental health (hence the family studies minor) but I was fooling myself to think that I had an equal interest in both. I really wanted my interest to be split evenly, because in my mind, then maybe I could have it all! I could please people with a safe backup option, and then I wouldn’t have to be nervous to tell people: Hey, I want to be a writer!
For me, even just typing that is really scary. I can practically feel my parents anxiously biting their nails when I say that. I’m not saying I necessarily want to write the next big novel or anything, I just want to continually write and be able to bridge connections with people through words and stories. I haven’t quite figured out how just yet, but honestly, does anyone ever have what they want to do completely figured out? I’m kind of hoping to just go with the flow and stop putting so much pressure on myself to figure it out this very second. Just reading this paragraph makes me feel like I’m singing Kumbaya around the campfire or something, expressing all these lofty and noncommittal goals. If that’s the vibe you’re getting here too, just know I’m cringing right there with ya.
Cringiness aside, I still feel like we have to power through and be willing to have this conversation as to why admitting our dreams feels so embarrassing sometimes. I don’t think it should be so anxiety-filled. When we’re children, we’re encouraged to dream big! Be an astronaut! A detective! An actor! A pop star! But as soon as we get older and we’re able to start making decisions that could lead us to satisfy those childhood dreams, we’re encouraged to play it safe. Suddenly those occupations we once wanted so badly seem so out of reach, we don’t even try. We push them down, do the job that is right in front of us, and keep our heads down. And there is nothing wrong with those jobs! Your career certainly doesn’t have to be your passion, I’m a firm believer in that. Every role is essential and important, but why have we convinced ourselves we are no longer worthy of trying to show up for our hopes and dreams we once had?
I want you to think of the six-or-seven-year-old version of you. Do you remember that little kid? What did they want more than anything? Who did they want to be? What did they want to do? What would they think of you now? I’ve found that this is really helpful for me to reflect on, because usually this seems to be around the time where we’re filled with so much hope we could burst and a naive optimism that has yet to be touched. Maybe this was the last time some of us truly felt comfortable to express who we wanted to be, even if it seemed so out of reach.
The point of this activity, for me, is not to roast yourself or feel bad about where you’re at in life. Absolutely not! You’re here, you showed up today! You’re doing important things every day! That is worth celebrating in itself. But if thinking of that little kid within you makes you a little guilt-ridden like it did me, maybe you aren’t taking every risk you wanted to take. Maybe you know there’s something you want to do, but you’re too scared to try. That was certainly me, and often still is me. But when I feel this way, or I feel embarrassed about my goals, I think of that little girl. Because she’s still in there, and she wants us to succeed, to be authentic and hopeful. To at least try, even if it sometimes ends in failure. Especially if it ends in failure. That’s how we grow! It’s inevitable, and it isn’t something we should be afraid of.
Sometimes it’s like I’m having a quarter-life-crisis already, or like I’m not moving fast enough. Not shaping up. Like I have some huge sign on my forehead like, “I don’t have a clue what I’m doing!” But literally, who does?
Changing my major is not the biggest deal in the world, and I recognize this. In ten years, it’ll feel very far away, like a distant memory. But I’ll be honest and say sometimes it feels like a huge life-changing shift, because I’m so hyper aware that everyone might seemingly have something to say about it. All that any of us can do is involve ourselves in things that make us happy. Learning about English and the way people choose to connect, make a statement, or challenge societal ideals is something that makes me really happy. Something that makes me more empathetic and connected with other people. Saying I want to be a writer shouldn’t make me feel embarrassed or shameful. It should make me feel powerful that I’m passionate about something. Just like whatever you want to do career-wise, academic-wise, or personally shouldn't be embarrassing either.
I’m learning to go a bit easier on myself. There’s no point in shying away from taking your goals and aspirations seriously. They make you who you are! Even if it doesn’t work out, I’m not very worried anymore. I have faith that I’ll be able to do something meaningful that gives me happiness, it’s just a matter of being open and flexible to find it. It’s never too late to be open to taking risks that would make your inner child sparkle with happiness. I think I’m still trying to learn that, still trying to show up for her.
Lots of love,
maddie
p.s. I was going to try to crop this picture to be just me because it feels like a pretty accurate representation of myself, but I think Emma would be mad if I cut her out.
So here's the three of us telling you to listen to your inner child and be confident! hehe
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