Hey Hope! To kick off the new year, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about who I am as a person, who I want to be, and what parts of myself I want to leave behind in order to become a better version of myself. Every year I do this, there is always one pesky little phrase that makes the cut.
People pleaser.
HP, don’t get me wrong. People pleasing isn’t inherently a bad thing, I know a lot of people who identify with this trait, and it can be really positive and uplifting sometimes! Who doesn’t want to make people feel happy, appreciated, and loved? But unfortunately, in my experience, it ends up really taking a toll on my own mental health, and because I try to bring happiness and come across as a positive person, I can feel a bit trapped in a bubble of my own making. So, I’ve come up with five tricks I’ve used (or am still trying to make into a habit!) to become a bit more confident in myself and stop relying so much on the praise and perceptions of other people. If people pleasing is something you find yourself doing as well, feel free to try these out and see if they help you in any way!
1. Create a mantra to remind yourself of who you are
Hope, I got this one from the self discovery journal you gave me (which is awesome by the way!) and wow this one is kind of a game changer. One of the journal prompts was to create a mantra to fall back on whenever you are feeling lost or a little insecure and unsure of yourself. One I’ve made for myself that works for me is:
I bring something valuable to this table.
This reminds me that everywhere I go, I am worthy of being there, and I have valuable input that deserves a chance at being heard. You can make your own mantra anything you want! Stick it on your mirror! Stick it on your desk! Put it in places you know you will see it all the time. If it makes you feel confident and strong, it can make you unstoppable!
2. Don’t make yourself available 24/7
I always thought if I was available to drop everything for people at any given time, that was my version of showing my love and attention. I’ve done this by being near my phone constantly, always making myself available to talk, or moving my schedule around in a way that is more convenient for someone else. BUT by doing this, I’ve realized I’m not respecting my own boundaries.
I end up saying yes to just about anything, and while I don’t entirely think that’s a bad thing, I’m not being selective with how my time and energy is being taken up. So, take a bit of a break from your phone every once and awhile! Say no if you really don’t feel like doing something! At the end of the day, no one will love you less because you can’t be reached at any given moment. If anything, it can be much better for your mental health, and people may even begin to respect you for it.
3. Challenge your knee-jerk responses
If you feel your purpose is to help others all the time and be positive, your knee jerk reaction in any conversation/ situation will almost always be to put yourself last. Trust me, listening to people and showing them you care about what they have to say can be addicting. Everyone loves a listener, so it feels like everyone loves you, right?
By labeling yourself as a listener, a helper, ‘the positive one,’ etc., every time you act against these self-proclaimed labels and choose to stay away from a situation or choose yourself instead, you will experience the psychological term: cognitive dissonance. (thank you, Intro to Psychology class from years ago) What this means is you start to feel like your beliefs and attitudes aren’t aligning with your actions, and because of this you experience a lot of discomfort, like you’re doing something wrong. But sometimes it’s better to take a breath and fight this discomfort. Weigh your words before you speak them, don’t act a certain way simply because that’s how other people expect you to react. Decide how you want to respond to the situation. You might be surprised!
4. Stop changing yourself when different people are around
I’m really calling myself out in this post, aren’t I? I’m currently reading a poetry book called Inward by Yung Pueblo, which is a collection of poems all about harnessing your power and essentially reclaiming yourself to find inner happiness. (would definitely recommend it!) I bring this up because there is a poem very early in the book that kind of sums this point up perfectly. It goes like this:
I spent so much time
Creating versions of myself
That were far from the truth,
Characters I would perform
Depending on who was around
Layers that could hide
The inner dance of turmoil,
Between my lack of confidence,
The pain I did not understand,
And the uneasiness that comes
With reaching out to others for the
Love that I was not giving myself
-Yung Pueblo, Inward
This is something I wish I’d read a few years ago, when I found myself molding into whatever I thought the person in front of me wanted to see. For being someone who had never acted on a stage, I felt like I had perfected several versions of myself that weren’t always genuine. So, to continue what Yung Pueblo said, maybe if we are actively creating these new versions of ourselves and altering who we are, it is time to ask ourselves why we put up this front. What is it really covering up? If this poem resonated with you as well, take some time to unpack that, maybe journal about it. (I know I did!) Sometimes asking ourselves why we’ve picked up toxic habits like this can lead us to much deeper answers than we expected.
5. If you don’t want to hear the answer, stop asking what other people think
This last one is one of my worst habits. Are you a little unsure of an outfit, a hairstyle, or any form of self expression and you are craving a little validation? DO NOT ask what other people think. When you ask people for their honest opinion, they will deliver. As they should! But, sometimes their honest opinion can make you even more unsure. So, naturally, you ask more people for their opinions, which essentially turns into you on the hunt for someone who agrees with you. In the end, you’re left with more insecurity than when you started.
I’m not gonna lie, I asked a lot of people’s opinions on my first tattoo before I got it done, and I most definitely wish I hadn’t done that. I was asking borderline strangers what they thought. I still mentally facepalm myself over that one. What I’m saying is, when you need validation, ask yourself what you think. This might sound a little silly, but when you’re asking everyone else around you, you might as well ask the person in the mirror first. You are totally worthy and capable of making the decision! The more people you ask, the more power you are giving them over you. Once and a while it is good and justified to ask for the opinions of others, but making it a habit can make you more insecure, so just be careful.
REFLECTION TIME
Hope, by no means am I writing this like, “Wow, remember when I was a people pleaser? I can barely even remember what that was like! Too busy being forever confident and taking no shit!” Nope. I struggle with this every single day. Sometimes I think I’ve gotten over it and morphed into some new version of myself who is no longer a doormat but the strong and sturdy door itself, and other days when I’m a little insecure, I may as well have “Welcome!” stamped on my forehead, practically inviting people in to walk all over me. But, it makes me human, and I truly believe one day I will overcome it. If you’re a people pleaser like myself, remember that looking after yourself is essential. Always be kind to others, but remember to be kind to yourself as well. And not only when other people aren’t around or it becomes convenient to put yourself in the narrative. You’re always important.
If life were a camera, you were not meant to be forever hidden away behind the lens, limited to taking in the beauty of others all the time. That role is important, yes, but you deserve to see yourself from the other side of the lens as well. You are allowed to put yourself in focus. You are always worthy of being seen and having your voice heard, because you bring something valuable to the table.
-maddie :)
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