Hey Hope!
One of my absolute favorite parts of our friendship is our ability to lift each other up and embrace the stages of life we’re both at, however different they may be. In the sake of embracing where we’re at, I want to tell you, and our lovely readers, where I am.
As long as I can remember, I’ve been a real romantic. If you’ve read literally any of my posts on this blog, there’s probably something I wrote in there that will allude to that. Ever since I was a kid, romance is just something I’ve been kind of obsessed with. Reading it, writing it, watching it, daydreaming about it, you name it. Because of this, I’ve always felt a little disappointed for being single the majority of my *granted, short* life thus far.
But, HP, right now I can genuinely say: I’ve never been happier to be by myself.
Acknowledging The Uncomfortable
Maybe that sounds really narcissistic, and if so, please tell me and I’ll gladly shove a fork in my eye and shut up. I know I’m a huge self love advocate, and everyone around me knows that, but deep down, I’ve always been a bit unsatisfied being alone. I always internalized the idea that I needed another person to feel worthy of taking up space, so something had to be wrong with me since I didn’t have that. I thought I needed a boy to talk to all my friends about, tell them the latest news of what's going on with us, and “Omg do you think he likes me??” Pardon my french, but I live for that shit.
So, as you can imagine, not having that conversation starter or person to consume my every waking thought was really tricky for me to navigate. When my friends ask me what’s going on in my life, what was I supposed to talk about? Myself? Yuck.
It can be hard watching all your friends at different stages of life romantically than you. Couples, talking-phase, dating, heartbreak, infatuation, I have friends in all different spots. And I’m so happy for them! I’m so glad the stage they’re in includes someone else they enjoy sharing their time with. But, if I’m honest, looking at their love lives and then glancing at my own to find literally nothing but tumbleweeds made me feel small for longer than I care to admit. I thought: wow, my life must be boring. I have no one to talk about and no one to share my life with.
But I’ve come to the realization that everyone, especially women, have been trained to have this mindset that they shouldn’t think about themselves as an individual for too long or they’re narcissistic. Even now, writing this post about myself and no one else, I feel vain and guilty. I feel uncomfortable and exposed. What’s crazy is that I realized these kinds of thoughts creep into my head even in small ways in my daily life, like when I take pictures by myself. It’s something that can make me really uncomfortable, like I’m not worthy of having just myself in the frame (I’m sensing a pattern here!). But this shouldn’t be the case. Everyone deserves to treat themselves with love and gentleness. Everyone deserves to love who they are and reflect on themselves and be happy with who they are. Recognizing they don’t need someone else to become relevant or important in other people’s eyes. I want to overcome that feeling of being unworthy. And if this is something you struggle with too, I hope we can find our way out together.
Time to Pick Myself Back up!
After months of feeling sorry for my single self and getting absolutely nowhere, I thought about how lucky I am to get to experience this stage of life. I’m able to learn who I am as an individual, not as an attachment to someone else, or who I want someone else to perceive me as. I’m able to do, for the most part, kind of whatever I want, and I don’t say that to sound teen-angsty. I say it because the only person I have to impress and hold accountable is myself. It’s pretty likely that eventually I’ll settle down and get married and be with someone for the rest of my life, but right now, the only person I have to make happy is me, so in a way, I’m dating myself. Who knows how long I’ll be able to solely focus on that? It could be years, weeks, or even mere days, so why am I wishing that crucial alone time away? What am I trying to distract myself from?
Learning to Lean Into What I Love
The most powerful thing I’ve learned in college is the importance of embracing your situation no matter where you’re at, which is why being friends with you, HP, is such a blessing. We give each other the space to grow and cheer each other on, welcoming the ever changing journey life brings each of us. I’ve realized in this stage of life, I don’t need anyone else to make me happy. The only thing I have control over is how I choose to live and love those around me to the best of my ability.
But, I think in order to love those around you, you have to first be fully content with yourself and start living for you. I want flowers? I buy them! I want to dance? I feel fully content having a dance party of one (and I have the Spotify playlists to prove it!). I want an emotional outlet? I choose to write. And I hold nothing back. I write for my future self. For my past self. For me at exactly this moment. Because these are things I love to do. Because I feel connected with others when I am honest. Because my life doesn’t begin once someone else enters it. Everyone deserves to live a life full of love, even if you are alone. Especially if you are alone.
Life is Full of Possibilities! Get Out There!
Right now, at this stage of life, turning twenty years old this week (woo hoo!), the world is literally wide open. I can be whoever I want to be. How liberating! I could do anything! I could be anything! And you know what? You can too! Whatever your age, whatever stage of life you’re at, you’re always allowed to change and grow into someone you love to wake up and be. I know that sounds like a really annoying wanderlust travel ad or something, but it’s genuine. I'm so excited to live and experience so much of what life has in store. And for me right now, I don’t think I can become that person yet if all my thoughts are taken up by someone romantically.
I was so accustomed to daydreaming about romance and when it would happen for me, but once I stopped worrying about it, I was surprised with how much time I had to think. To think about what I want to pursue. The dreams I have but have always been too afraid to say. The life I want to start living. I don’t know much, but I do know I want to write. I want to help others feel less alone. I want to learn everything I can before I’m out of school. I want to travel to new places, meet new people, and finally stop caring what people think. I want to be unapologetically content with what life has to offer.
So, future husband or boyfriend or whatever-- wherever you may be, don’t take this post personally. I’m excited to be with you one day, I really am. But I am so excited to allow myself the space to grow and become the person we hopefully both love one day.
-maddie
Comments