Hey Hope!
Happy (one day late) Valentine’s day! I hope you celebrated with some chocolate, rom-com movies, and made the most of the holiday. I had some really cute heart-shaped donuts from Dunkin'. Adorable!
For today’s post, I wanted to talk about something I wrote a few months back. While I still fully believe that Alone Doesn't Have to Mean Lonely, well, the fact of the matter is, sometimes it does. And that is okay. In a time where romantic love is being shoved down our throats as well as a pandemic physically isolating us from many of our family and friends, I’ve found that this Valentine’s day left me feeling a bit blue. Normally I love the idea of romantic love, but this year I just felt a bit... exhausted? Which isn’t normally like me, nor is it something I’d usually be upfront about.
Part of being human is accepting those moments of isolation or even a bit of sadness, and the past year has been filled to the brim with those moments for all of us at one point or another. It is so ridiculous that we collectively have been trained to push those dark moments under the rug and tell everyone: “Life is just amazing! I feel so great all the time!” That is simply not true. I have countless moments in my life filled with joy and love, but there are plenty of moments that leave me feeling very small or alone. This is true for everyone, and yet we have somehow become so afraid of letting people know that we, too, feel a little less than okay sometimes. Truthfully, if your life is all sunshine and rainbows right now anyway, there is probably something wrong there. (Hello, pandemic!)
I don’t write this to be pessimistic, that really isn’t my intention. I love to create a positive blog atmosphere filled with happiness and looking on the bright side, but it's important to acknowledge that this isn’t realistic for every moment of our lives. If no one else will say it, I guess I will. Being in college in a pandemic is hard. It is incredibly hard. So many opportunities for experience and growth have been sidelined. Every learning environment looks completely different than it did twelve months ago! So many people who may have become good friends won’t meet because they physically can’t be closer than six feet apart. So much talent has been on hold, waiting in the wings for the return to normalcy- which still seems quite a ways away, unfortunately. These are all sacrifices we have to make for our own safety, but it is absolutely heartbreaking, and I think it is criminal not to acknowledge that. So many lives have been uprooted in the last year. High school seniors have been robbed of so many lasts, graduations are virtual, weddings on hold, the list goes on. So no matter what you’ve been through this last year, I think we’ve all been a bit lonely in our own way.
It is very hard to grow in a space and time that is clinging to the basic levels of human safety. So, no. Alone doesn’t have to mean lonely. But when that feeling comes rushing in and it’s loud and a bit overwhelming, we all deserve to feel it. Because it reminds us that we are alive, and that we have hopes and dreams of connection, love, and growth-whatever that means for you. (Also, shoutout to Bev for sending me a Valentine’s day care package including this little guy. Too sweet! Love ya, grandma. Thank you.)
My only plans this Valentine’s day were taking anniversary pictures of my roommate and her boyfriend (and I’d do it again, love ya Hailey!) but this really goes to show what stage of life I’m at. A few times this past year, there have been some low moments when I’ve thought to myself, Will I ever find someone who loves me for exactly who I am? Am I good enough to be loved romantically? Has this pandemic robbed me of finding the person I was meant to be with?
This makes me a little emo because though I fully acknowledge this is soap-opera-level-dramatic, and I know I have so much time, it still really knocks the wind out of my sails. Honestly, these were intrusive thoughts/fears I had even before the pandemic, but they’ve most certainly been heightened within the last year. It can be really painful to feel this way, and I know so many other people have felt that same way when they were in college. People who are now happily partnered with someone they love! And yet every time I hear people tell me they've felt that same loneliness that I've felt, it makes me emotional. It’s this huge sigh of relief like, thank goodness, it isn’t just me! Someone out there knows exactly what this feels like.
If you relate to this, I’d recommend the book Again, But Better by Christine Riccio. I reread it earlier this month and it made me emotional all over again.
But that is one reason why I like to write these posts. If one person can read these posts and say, thank goodness it isn’t just me. Then I feel like I’ve done my job. Something that helps me get through those tough moments is to remind myself that even when I feel this sadness or this fear, I’m still me. I’m still a happy person, I still love to feel bright and positive, but those happy emotions are not all I am. Sometimes I struggle with comparison and loneliness, feeling behind, being way too hard on myself, or worst of all, *sigh* eating too much dining center ice cream. What can I say? It’s my vice.
In all seriousness, I write all of this because I find no real connection in dishonesty or half-truths. Sometimes, the hardest thing we can do is admit what we feel. It can be very uncomfortable, especially in this lonely period of history we’re all currently living through. It can be very challenging for me to acknowledge those moments of loneliness and self doubt. Sometimes I think that feeling lonely means I’ve failed in some way. But I know that isn’t true! These feelings will pass, sure, but we will never grow if we constantly try to outrun that sadness that can creep in. There will always be light, but I believe true self acceptance will only ever come if we are willing to embrace the darker moments as well. We are all more than just our good moments or Instagram/Facebook highlight reels. It’s important to remind ourselves that we aren’t only beautiful in the happy moments. There is strength in accepting all aspects of ourselves, even the parts we wish we could hide. At the end of the day, they make us who we are, and that is worth holding on to.
lots of love,
madison
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