Hey Hope!
How was your first official week back to college? We have to find a new time to FaceTime this semester, I can’t wait to hear all about it! But until that FaceTime, for this week’s post, I thought I’d to do a bit of an update on where I’m at this semester (I know it just started, bear with me!)
I’ve mentioned this in a few of my blog posts, but if you didn’t know, back in September I changed my original family services major to double major in family services and English, with a creative writing minor. If you’re thinking to yourself: “Uhh those majors don’t really seem to go together at all.” You wouldn’t be the first one, and honestly you aren’t wrong. A few months ago I had a really earth-shattering (dramatic, I know, but that’s how it felt!) revelation. My whole life I thought I wanted to be a therapist or a counselor because I’d been told I’d be great at it. I was so concerned with helping people by listening and giving advice because I was insecure and I wanted so badly for people to like me. Like an unhealthy amount. So when I took a creative writing class last semester and realized maybe being a therapist wasn’t what I wanted, I had some full-fledged freak out sessions. Okay, now you’re up to speed!
After some contemplation about my majors, I realized there wouldn’t be a certain path I could take that would make everyone in my life happy. I was so concerned about not letting other people down that I silenced my inner voice and what I wanted. I love learning about the psychology of people, mental health, and how we can all do our part to bring more empathy and understanding into a conversation. At the same time, I love reading, writing, and expressing myself through words. I love making people feel something. Writing is like an unspoken camaraderie between the reader and writer, who sometimes won’t ever even meet! There is something so beautiful about that, and I know I want to continue developing that connection, both as a reader and a writer. So, I said to hell with it, I’m doing both.
Now, that certainly isn’t to say it’s going to be a breeze to incorporate both of these majors and the creative writing minor. I spent hours coming up with a plan for how I could graduate at a decent time. I had multiple meetings with advisors, some of whom told me this would be way too much work for two paths that don’t really cross in the work field, others telling me to 100% go for it! My point is, I had to put in a lot of work and advocate for myself and what I wanted. Some people didn’t understand it, and that’s okay! I’m willing to put in as much work as possible to end up where I want to be. When I walk across that graduation stage, I want to feel confident I am educated and knowledgeable in the fields I am most passionate about, even if they couldn't seem more different.
Buuuut it’s clearly going to take a lot of work to get there. Here is a picture of me with all the physical books I have for this semester. I’m taking 18 credits, 12 of which are English, 6 family services.
Yeah, I was quaking in my boots when I unpacked all of them. I have a total of about 15 books for this semester (some online as well). If the next time you see me my posture is embarrassingly bad, this would be why. I genuinely had a moment where I thought maybe I wasn’t good enough to take all this on. Maybe I should say “Just kidding!” and go back to something easier. But I realized I’d been having this mentality all my life. I have become so used to settling for haphazardly waving my hand back and saying, “good enough!” because I’m scared to push my limits and actually see what I can do. I’m scared to trust in myself and take on something really challenging, because what if I fail? What if it doesn’t go perfectly? This is why, HP, your post about fear last week really hit home. I read it exactly when I needed to hear it. (If you haven’t checked it out yet, please do so here! It’s so good.)
As I’m sure many people do, I really like being comfortable. I think this is a scary semester for me (heavy course work excluded) because I’ve found, already a week in, that I have to share my thoughts and open up about how I interpret things and be vulnerable in what I create. If you’ve ever had me in a class, you likely know I don’t speak up much. It’s not that I’m unprepared or uninterested, it's because I have slowly trained myself to fear being open, blocking myself from doing anything that could lead to being seen as "stupid" or “wrong.” I always psych myself out by thinking of all the people that probably know much more than I do, asking myself: how dare I think my opinion is relevant? I’ve cared way too much for how others perceive me that I’ve dismissed my voice for 20 years, telling myself, maybe I just don’t have much to say. Maybe I’m just a watcher, not a doer. But even just within this first week of classes, I’ve realized how untrue that is.
I’ve picked up this steady underlying confidence that maybe I can do this. My dad has been telling me this for years. He says he doesn’t understand where this lack of confidence stems from. But I’ve noticed that almost all the women in my family seem to have this mentality as well. Even though they are some of the most amazing people I know, they always discredit themselves and seem to shrink from compliments and moments of praise, preferring to focus on where they fall short rather than what makes them beautiful and unique. Why do we do this? Why is our instinct to hide and think of ourselves as unimportant? Why should we settle for thinking we have nothing to say, when maybe we have everything to say? I'm learning that being vulnerable and sharing who we are with the world is how we grow. This is something I hope I never forget.
So, in conclusion, I’m very excited for this semester. My homework is reading literature and writing for hours on end? What?? That. Is. Everything. Honestly, that’s ideal for me. Obsessed. And I’ve found that sharing my opinions on literature and discussing our different perspectives in class is something I really like! It’s hard for me sometimes, but I feel elated when I speak up! I know it is going to take time to unpack and finally silence all these intrusive thoughts telling me to make myself quiet and small, but I am so proud of myself for continuously showing up and trying to be loud. I’m learning so much about the things I care about most that it doesn’t even seem like work sometimes. I never thought I’d experience that! I finally feel like I’ve found my niche, and it makes me so happy. I’m sure at different points in the semester I’ll get *overwhelmed* and intimidated ten times over, but I believe I can get through it. I’m learning to be more open, and I’m trying to train myself to remember what I have to say is just as important as anyone else.
If you’re a little anxious to show the world who you are as well, let this be your reminder. You deserve to find your voice and fight for it. You can do it! I’m rooting for you! You have so much to say. You hold way more power than you think you do, and you are always worth taking risks for.
lots of love :)
maddie
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